Evan watches Transformers 3 (So you don’t have to!) – Part 1

Let me start off by saying it: I have super low expectations for Transformers – Dark of the Moon. I didn’t particularly enjoy the first two, and there wasn’t anything about the marketing that told me this would be anything other than more of the same.

However, I also have a co-worker who will come to my desk daily and say “Have you seen transformers yet?”, so I’m stuck watching it.

So I’m going to watch it. But rather than just wallowing in my misery alone, I’m going to bring my buddy, the internet, along with me, and we’re going to make snide remarks at the movie the whole time. I’m going to be liveblogging the film (and by liveblogging, I pretty much just mean blogging. There’s not really a “live” aspect for anyone but me, though the reading experience will be more similar to reading the transcript of a liveblog than a traditional review.)

So here I go, I’m starting the movie, and I honestly haven’t seen it yet, so I’m going to keep as open a mind as possible. There’s a chance that by the end of this I will be gushing praise upon this movie. Just a small chance, though.

The Paramount Logo has been changed to have Transformer noises. Michael Bay is now ruining things I had no idea I cared about.

CGI Robot space battle flashback.

Wait a minute… rather than transforming into spaceships, the Transformers built ships and piloted them in human form. That would be like one of the cars from the movie “Cars” taking a taxi to work. (I’ve never seen Cars, does this happen?)

Okay, the Optimus Prime voiceover said “One Autobot escaped”. This must not be that Autobot. This is the autobot that got blown up when the decepticons shot a rocket at it that in turn shot 8 smaller rockets at it. (Yes, that happened.) Perhaps the voiceover is just TERRIBLY WRITTEN.

Now scientists are telling President Kennedy that a UFO crashed into the moon. And Apollo 11 is all about going to the moon to find this UFO. I’m of the opinion that if you re-write history, you need to make the fictional version BETTER than the real version. You don’t replace “Lets prove that America can do anything if we set our mind to it” with “I’MA GET ME SOME MOON ALIENS” Seriously, it makes Kennedy look like a dick. But I suppose he deserves it for being in a Michael Bay movie. You’d think the guy would have a better agent, he was president!

Neil Armstrong is now a secret agent investigating the Autobot spaceship wreck. In the next one: Abraham Lincoln punches a decepticon Jesus in his robot balls. Shit, by typing that, it is now destined to happen.

Apollo 11 returns to Earth, carrying with it a locked metal box, presumably carrying some remains from the crashed Autobot ship. Secret agents show up and the landing site, and lock the locked box in another locked box.

We’re now being introduced to Megan Fox’s replacement, or rather we’re being introduced to her butt. No sign of a face yet, but I’m sure MikeyBay will get to it soon.

Now she is waking up Shia LeBeouf by grinding her genitals against his crotchal region while not wearing any pants. I can tell already, this is going to be a well-rounded female character.

For the record, I heard somewhere once (and did not do any corroborating research), that Shia is Hebrew for “shit”, and le Beouf is French for “The beef fat”. From now on in this review, he will be referred to as “Shit the Beef Fat”, or STBF for short.

STBF is living in a mansion with a model who HATES WEARING PANTS. He got a “Hero Medal” from the president. And all he can do is whine about how “It’s not fair!” because he should be working with the Autobots.

Ooh, flashback to STBF getting his “Hero Medal” from President Obama. Or, since Michael Bay was casting, getting his “Hero Medal” from a black guy who looks NOTHING like Obama. They didn’t even try. I’ve accused Michael Bay of being racist before (with the first two Transformers being my case in point). “All Black people look alike” is subtle enough here that you would miss it if you weren’t looking for Mikey to be a racist douche, but since I was, pretty blatant. I mean, they got a Kennedy lookalike who was spot on, but their Obama looked more like Jay-Z.

Also, in this flashback, STBF sees a pretty girl in the White House, and points at her with and expression that says “I’m gonna have sex with you.” That was his opener. Then he explained that “POTUS” means “President”. Then he broke something expensive. No wonder she’s fucking him now! I’m going to remember this strategy for if I’m ever on the prowl for ladiezz.

STBF whines some more about not having a job. News flash! You live in a fucking mansion and are banging a supermodel. You don’t need a job. I don’t care if your daddy will be angry at you, you’re a grown ass man.

STBF’s whining turns on the supermodel, who even though she has finally gotten dressed, decided it is time to fuck STBF on a counter. Unfortunately a Decepticockblocker shows up.

STBF’s parents show up in their bangbus wearing matching green sweatsuits. STBF is off to a job interview, and his dad says “that sucks”. HOW DARE YOU ATTEMPT TO GET GAINFUL EMPLOYMENT. YOU ARE A HORRIBLE DISAPPOINTMENT.

STBF no longer drives Bumblebee, he drives a car that, as described by his mother, “looks like Bumblebee, if he was a sad piece of shit.”

Holy shit, we’re only 15 minutes in. And yet, I need to stop watching or I will go insane. This is going to have to be a multipart series. Come back soon for part 2 of my commentary!