Matt Got Hatemail!

I suppose it’s less actual mail and more of a comment, but the phrase still works. In a nutshell, I’ve received my first amount of hatelove resulting from something that I’ve published on this website. And since there has been little to write about on my end lately, I guess today is his lucky day for a response.

Back in June, I wrote an article for the Untrustworthy Name Contest, where I dissected an advertisement for a free film and gave a thoughtful yet slightly humorous breakdown of its absurdity. I gave no insight to the movie whatsoever except for the premise, youtube views, and number of dislikes. Then earlier today, three and a half months later, I received a comment on the article that, for once, wasn’t a spam bot. It is as follows:

Wow. You just dont get it. Satire. Irony. Look these words up, and apply them to your critique. And learn how to use a semicolon; you look like a douche when you misuse commas.

Well “ethan” (if that is your real name), where do I begin?

What was there to get? I was poking fun at an advertisement for a contest. I did not watch the movie itself, nor did I critique it, because it looked uninteresting. However, I found that the comparisons drawn out in the advertisement itself to be hilarious and appropriate for the contest at the time. As such, I came up with some stuff off the top of my head, presented my argument, added in a bit of humor, and then didn’t think much of it afterwards.

As it so happens, I know the definitions of satire and irony–thanks for your concern. You seem to not realize that these are the only flavors of comedy one can conceive. If you take a moment and do a bit of research, you’ll see that there are many different ways to be funny or entertaining. What I’m doing now, and what I did in that post, is what is known as observational comedy. I take a trivial thing like your comment or that advertisement and dissect it, inflate it, and make a big deal out of nothing. I’m making mountains out of molehills and having fun doing it. If I wanted to be ironic, then I’d either point out that you used a comma in an unnecessary way in your comment, or that you’re calling me out on grammar when you can’t even capitalize your own name. If I wanted to be satirical, I’d probably carry it out in a parody of your post, as to shame and ridicule you into being more well informed to make a change for the better. You might be able to argue that I’m doing that right now! But I’m not. I just seem to be doing the shaming and ridiculing part. What I’m trying to say is that I don’t need to write the way you want me to to “make a funny,” as some would put it.

Now if this were a formal paper or article–and I’m taking this time to remind you that this is not–then maybe I’d add in some more smatterings of semicolons. I might even try to condense some sentences down so I don’t have commas everywhere! But that’s just the way I write. A comma exists to connect sentences together or to separate ideas out, be it in the form of extra information or in the form of a list. Semicolons are also multi-purpose in that they can either separate lists with commas in them, or that they can connect disparate but related ideas; it’s pleasing in a literary sense but entirely unnecessary. I could have used a period in place of that semicolon and it would still be two complete sentences. In an informal environment, semicolon usage is the last thing on my mind.

Lastly, comma usage does not make one look like a douche. Being elitist makes you look like a douche. Not adding anything truly constructive to the conversation makes you look like a douche. Personal attacks on someone makes you look like a douche. If anything is going to make me a douche, it’d probably replying to your comment a manner such as this post. And if I wanted to turn the douche-o-meter up to 11, I would attack you on something completely irrelevant, like the fact that your email address is [REDACTED]@juno.[REDACTED]. People still use Juno? I remember when people like myself used Juno and Netzero: When they were still free internet services, everyone was running Windows 95, and I was just admitted into grade school. I can guarantee that I no longer check my first email address I’ve ever owned at mattman55@juno.com, and I haven’t ever checked since I got my nifty AOL internet account with my state-of-the-art 56k modem on my Windows ME computer. But I have since moved on to greener pastures, like post-Y2K technology. (That was satire, by the way)

The internet can be a cruel, unforgiving place. And if someone wants to call me a douche on a weak premise, I’ll give them a much stronger one on which their hatred can be based. Honestly, it sounds almost as if you were offended by my article; it’s almost as if you had a hand in the creation of the film itself, and you’re trying to defend it. But I digress. All I’m really doing is poking fun at you.